Needs To Be Said

There are so many things I want to get off my chest, and I really don’t know where to start, so I’ll just write and let the proverbial chips fall where they may. There are a few things I want to let everyone know who is reading this blog, and yes, I want to hear and see myself say it as well. Let me start this off by saying that Psalm 121 has become a wonderful comfort to me during this time of grief. My help comes from the Lord, and it is only by His grace and power that I can write with a purpose. I’d like to take this opportunity to lay to rest some of the fears of other people about Whitnee and I during this time. I wasn’t really prepared for the sheer number of worries that people would have about us, nor was I ready for the actual concerns of some people. I was also not prepared for some of the silly, and sometimes downright stupid things that some people have said to us. (I will talk about that later.) I’m sure some of you know what I’m talking about, because your own family and friends have said things to you during a hard time that just seemed a bit off. It’s ok that they happen – those closest to us want to be there for us, and those not so close may just not know what to say at all.

Let’s deal with this first – no one should let their fear of saying the wrong thing drive them to just steer clear of any type of conversation with us. Do you have any idea what it’s like to look someone in the eye, knowing they want to talk, say something, ask a question, but watch their own fear wash over their face and cause them to just keep walking by? Do you have any idea how lonely that can be? Let me define what loneliness is to me right now. Loneliness is knowing all of what I have just stated, and knowing the some people still won’t talk to you . Loneliness is not knowing how to tell your friends with small children that no matter how much you love them, being around them right now is just too hard. It will get better, and true friendships are gonna stand through this time. Loneliness is watching television and hearing the news stories of people who have mistreated, abused, and hurt their children and wondering why those people got to have any in the first place. Loneliness is knowing that God is working in my life to help me heal and feeling like someone expects you to be “over it already.” I could go on, but what is the point I’m trying to make? Talk to me. Call me. Email me. Invite me out to do stupid things. Laughter is a huge part of my healing process. I’m still me – there’s just a new part to me now. YES – there are very dark, very tragic things in my life and IT IS TERRIBLE! The only thing that makes the loss of Lydia more terrible is Whitnee and I waking up thinking about how many faces we’ll see today of people that are too afraid to engage with us.
(You may not be someone who falls into this category – we’ve had so many people encourage us in so many ways, and we are so thankful!!) I’m sure I’ll have more to say on this later, but let me move on.

Two: My daughter Lydia is dead. She was beautiful, and wonderful, and I love her so much. I can’t look at her picture or even write this right now without crying because I miss her so much. What happened to her, and to us was extremely horrible by any stretch of the imagination. To watch my daughter suffer as she did, and to know that the only thing I could do for her was to let her go – the pain is indescribable. Yet through all this, let me make one thing perfectly clear – IT WAS NOT GOD’S PLAN THAT MY DAUGHTER DIE. God did not create Lydia to subsequently destroy her. Scripture shows me where people are and have been afflicted with thorns, illnesses, and tragedies for God’s greater purposes and plans, and I know that. However, our world is fallen, sin taints us all, and BAD THINGS HAPPEN HERE. The Lord works in all things to bring about His glory, and He is working in this tragedy to bring glory to Himself. I know this. I see it everyday. In the beginning it was not God’s plan that any should perish – death is NOT the natural order of things. Death is a product of the sinful world we inhabit. Again, I have more to say on this, but I will conclude this short paragraph with this: Lydia is with Jesus, I will see her again one day for who she really is, and her death has left a hole in my heart. God is walking with me (and Whitnee) through our suffering. He did not cause our suffering.

Third (and final for now): As soon as Lydia got very sick, there were some concerns that my faith and Whitnee’s faith would waver, and some even said that they were afraid we would lose our faith in Christ over Lydia’s death. I can understand the concern – our culture breeds this message. Even a psychology book that we’ve read speaks of people finding comfort in thinking of God as no more in control than they are. Let me make it clear – true faith is not real faith if it can’t get through a tragedy. If all it takes is something bad to happen to make you lose faith in God, then I don’t think that faith was built on any truth, or it just wasn’t real. Questioning God is perfectly normal, and it’s what we’re gonna do. David did it, Job did it, Paul did it, JESUS DID IT in the garden – I think we’re in good company. I’m nowhere close to any of the men of faith listed here, but if Christ lives in me, then it’s ok for me to question God as to what’s going on and why this happened. It’s not about losing my faith at all. Truth didn’t stop being truth because Lydia died. Theology is something you work on when you’re sober, and able to think clearly. Faith in the truth of Christ is what we stand on DURING the tragedy. One should never build a theology during a time of grief – it’s just not the time.

Building 429 has a song special to my heart – it’s called ALWAYS. I’ve reprinted the lyrics below, because they speak of where we are, and what we believe about our Lord. Thank you Jesus for inspiring them to write this!

Next time, how to deal with a caged animal, or how I feel most everyday because of my lack of control and my fears about myself.

Our journey continues…


Building 429Always lyrics
I was standing in the pouring rain
One dark November night
Fighting off the bitter cold
When she caught my eye
Her face was torn and her eyes were filled
And then to my surprise
She pulled out a photograph
And my heart just stopped inside
She said He would have been three today
I miss his smile, I miss his face
What was I supposed to say
But I believe always always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and His promise remains
He will be with you always

He was living in a broken world
dreaming of a home
His heart was barely keeping pace
When I found him all alone
Remembering the way he felt
When his daddy said goodbye
Fighting just to keep the tears
And the anger locked inside
He's barely holding on to faith
But deliverance is on its way
'Cuz I believe always always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and His promise remains
He will be with you always

Friend I don't know where you are
And I don't know where you've been
Maybe you're fighting for your life
Or just about to throw the towel in
But if you're crying out for mercy
If there's no hope left at all
If you've given everything you've got
And you're still about to fall
Well hold on, hold on, hold on

Cuz I believe always always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all faith is gone
God knows our pain and His promise remains
Always, Always
He will be with you always
He will be with you always
He will be with you