The Beginning

Here I am, the father of a beautiful baby girl. Here I am, the husband of a wonderful, beautiful wife. In this moment, where I pass my daughter to my wife, I am complete. God has smiled on me and has granted me the most wonderful family. Our parents are around the hospital bed, tears flow freely from every eye, and my wife cradles my daughter to feed. I have never been more happy, or more blessed.

Oh, how I wish this dream would never end, but if you are reading this, then you know this dream ends in apparent darkness. That happy moment would give way to disbelief, horror, and unspeakable grief in the loss of our dear Lydia Grace. I have played the whole 14 days over and over in my mind for over a month now, trying to find something, some shred of evidence that I overlooked to make some sense out of what has happened. I can’t. I wrestle with demons of my own inadequacy as a father, a husband, a protector, and the head of my family. Whitnee actually held Lydia in her arms as she took her last breath – her heart drummed its final beat in mine. Which one of us ushered her out of the shadowlands? We both did. The dark night of the soul had begun.

How did this play out? Writings to come will tell the tale from my perspective – the loving father whose burgeoning family was torn apart too soon. How long does the darkness last? It’s hard to say – too many shadows still remain. Is there hope? A light at the end of a tunnel? Something to be hoped for even though it is not seen? ABSOLUTELY!

God does not dwell in the dark – He is the Light. The shadows are only present because of obstacles trying to keep us from being in that Light. Lydia now knows Jesus in a way that I long for, that I am jealous of, and that one day she will share with me. Until then, I am left to have faith in Him, who yet unseen, is present in my life, my family’s life, and is transforming my heart from its shattered state to one of mended healing.

Do you know anything about a broken bone that has been healed? The newly healed bone is actually stronger than it was before the tragedy. I believe that Jesus, the Savior and Lord of my life, is working in the midst of our loss to create a man and woman, stronger than before. He will make us a family, tighter than before. It is in Jesus that we find the love to draw us closer together than ever. Make no mistake – it won’t feel good at first. It absolutely does not! BUT, He who began a good work in us IS INFINITELY FAITHFUL to complete that work, and I know He will.

Lydia, Daddy loves you, and hopes you don’t see him struggle so hard here in this world. I’ll see you soon.

Jesus, hold onto my daughter until I get there. She was always Yours.

Like the Scriptures say, one day we will see face to face….