Joy, Sorrow, and how to find thankfulness Part 1

Today is the two month anniversary of Lydia’s Death. I’m struggling today and so is Whitnee. I thought that maybe I would help myself talk about her life and death today, just to remember. I need to remember. I want to remember, and never forget. Some people might say “what do you mean forget?” It’s no secret that the mind sometimes holds onto details and others become very fuzzy with time. I want to just share a few details here that I remember, so that I can relate the joy I had when she was born, and not just the sorrow I felt in her death.

I’ll never forget when they put Lydia in my hands. She was so precious, so pretty! I cried sitting there, just praying over and over again that I was so thankful for her and that Jesus loved her. She was my baby – my perfect beautiful baby! I have pictures of her right after her birth, and I couldn’t believe all the hair she had! Oh, Jesus, thank you so much for this beautiful gift! I prayed that I would have the strength not to screw up her life too bad. I had so many hopes for her – and I wanted to dance with her. I imagined Lydia’s little feet on top of mine, dancing around the living room. I imagined CINDERELLA, by Steven Curtis Chapman. I wanted that so much. I was so happy, getting to text and call people to tell them she was here. I saw the joy in my parents and Whitnee’s parents as they got to hold her for a brief moment before she was going to feed. I’ll never forget those few moments of joy that I felt when I saw Whitnee holding her for the first time.

All that changed so soon – I didn’t even have time to think that my joy was turning to sorrow. I don’t want to talk so much right now about her short life – but I want to start saying thank you. I need to say thank you to so many people, and yet I’m struggling so many days to find the right words and the right way to do it. Paul writes in 1 Thessalonians that we are to be thankful IN all things, and so today as I’m fighting to remember joy, I’ll start by finding things to be thankful for. I’m thankful for my family – for all the problems we had leading up to the birth of Lydia, I love you all so much! Your prayers, tears, and support of us mean more than we will ever be able to put into words. I love you mom and dad! I love you pam and jim!

I want to say thank you to Dr. Dean and our church family from Travis Avenue. Your outpouring of love was more than we ever thought possible. To Randy and Cindy – thank you for your unwavering support and prayers, and for galvanizing our Sunday school classes to do everything that they did. I want to thank all our Sunday school friends from Travis – we did not know how much love everyone had to give, and we were overwhelmed. To our Wedgwood family – we truly are still one of you, and to Bro. Al, the Ross family, the Griffins, and everyone else, we love you all so much!

Thank you Dave and Cindy, Cody, Sarah, Angel, David and Kelly, and all others who just showed up at our house when we were falling apart, and barely breathing. Your love means more to us than we will ever be able to say. Dave Scott – the words you spoke in my ear through your tears that night were raw, and honest, and I’m grateful that we have that kind of brotherhood. To Archie – my brother, I can’t believe you got on a plane and came here. I’ll forever be thankful for our friendship.

This is by no means the end, but the beginning. I will write more later. I have so many more people to thank, and this is how joy can begin again. Jesus, please help me see more things that I can be thankful for right now. I’m looking through my tears, and things aren’t so clear.

Lydia, Daddy loves you, and I hope you’re dancing soon!